Dear Grammie

dear grammie

Dear Grammie,

It won’t be long now before you’re gone. I honestly feel numb. Losing grandpa was most certainly one of the hardest things I’ve ever had to endure. Seeing you cry day after day broke my heart. There was such an absence in the house after he was gone. There was no way not to notice and remember his passing. Everything that has happened over this past month and a half has been a whirlwind.

You went to the hospital because of heart pains one day, but they sent you home healthy. I remember it being a crazy, stressful week and I was ready to come home and spend some time with you and the family. I was driving home from finishing a test with freedom on my mind. I was so glad I didn’t have anything else to preoccupy my time and that I could sit and visit with you, which was one of my favorite things to do, if you didn’t know. I drove into my neighborhood as ambulances were on their way out. I thought, “Surely not…” but called mom just to be sure. When she told me that you fell and they were taking you to the hospital, my heart sank. I was so concerned. I passed dad as he was closely following behind the ambulances and he told me this was a bad situation. I agreed with him, but I didn’t know on what scale it would be.

Seeing you in pain was so hard. The first surgery with rehab was so much for you to go through. Every day I visited you I wished I could have taken the  pain away for you. I wished I could have taken your place. If that wasn’t enough, you went through a 2nd surgery and still had a smile on your face when I came to see you, although that could have been the morphine 🙂 You are my hero Grammie. You never know the strength of a person until you see them in the midst of a trial. I know this was the hardest thing you’ve ever gone through, these past 6 months. Watching you keep your eyes on the Lord and trust Him impacted me more than you know.

When I spent that first night with you after your first surgery, you hadn’t eaten much at all. The next morning the nurse brought you your scheduled breakfast. I woke up and helped you get settled and ready to eat it. I uncovered the less-than-tasty looking meal: cold, unflavored, hospital grits & juice. I added some butter and anything I could find to try and make it satisfying although there was an unspoken knowledge that it probably wouldn’t be too good. As I laid back down to get some more rest, I heard “Thank you Lord for this food…” I couldn’t even concentrate on the rest of the prayer because  those 6 words sent tears rushing down my cheeks. I knew this was not your meal of choice after not eating for quite some time, and you THANKED our Great God in Heaven for those nasty grits. That special moment that I’ll never forget reminded me of just how much of a spiritual influence you have been in my life. Always turning to God, trusting His plan, praying FAITHFULLY and consistently, singing praises to Him, serving others, and not once missing daily time with Him. Thank you for all you have done for me. Truly.

Sewing rips in my clothes. Piano lessons that I wished I had taken more seriously. Praying for me and my life/future daily. Watching TV shows with me. Letting me play dress-up in your closet. Babysitting Lindsey and I. Baking with me. Sitting and talking with me. All the presents you’ve given me. Reading me scripture. Hugging me. Always telling me you love me. Asking about my life. Letting Lindsey and I play little pranks on you and grandpa – by the way, I’m sorry for putting soap on your toothbrush…it was only a little. Letting me go through your drawers with cards, pictures, jewelry, etc and answering all my questions. Showing me Christ’s love through your actions and faithfulness to Him all your life. Showing me that black coffee with dessert is the way to go. Doing crossword puzzles together. All the many meals we ate together. Telling me stories of all the places you’ve traveled.

You were the best Grammie in the world. I never doubted how much you and grandpa loved me. Because you never failed to show us.

You have been in pain. Emotional and physical pain. Pain that I cannot begin to imagine what it feels like. I don’t want you to be in pain anymore. I know you are going to go to Heaven and be pain-free. And I know you’re going to meet your Savior and see grandpa again. I am so excited for that joyous reunion! It brings happy tears to my eyes when I think of it. As much as I want you to not suffer anymore, I don’t want you to leave. I don’t want this to sound selfish, but I’m sad of what you’ll miss.

Joel and I have been dating for 4 years now, and you have been asking me when we’re getting married after we had been dating for 4 months! To think you’ll never see me with a ring on my finger, or walking down the aisle at my wedding brings me great sadness. I always pictured you and grandpa both being there. Especially since you both loved him so much and he considered you to be his own grandparents. I’m sad that you won’t see me graduate college or that I won’t be able to have you over to my house for Sunday dinner. I can only hope that I can make a rump roast as good as you did. I’m sad that my children will never get to meet you both – I hope my stories do you justice. It’s hard to believe you won’t see Lindsey graduate high school or meet her husband-to-be. And it’s hard to believe you won’t be here to see the boys grow up into the amazing men of God that they were taught to be. And it would have been fun to stick around and see my parents be grandparents, huh? That’ll be a sight to see for sure! But they honestly had the best examples they could have had.

What a privilege it was to be able to live with you most of my life. I wouldn’t trade it for the world. I will never forget you and I wouldn’t be the woman I am today without having you in my life. You have inspired me for my entire life, since Day 1 – and your memory will continue to inspire me for the days to come until the good Lord calls me home and I see you again.

I love you forever,

Ashley Marie

P.S. Give grandpa a big hug and kiss for me.

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